How to Make Friends with Now

Original article written September 28, 2021

Over the last 12 months I have transitioned from Scotland back to New Zealand. I’ve been away (other than holidays) for 17 years.

In my mind (and therefore my emotions), it’s been a really difficult time. Anxiety around work, income, finding somewhere to live, trying to buy a house in a rocketing market. Culture shock in my own country, reflecting on my identity and what it means to be a Kiwi now. Being closer to family and revisiting some old ghosts. Missing long-time friends and familiar routines. There is plenty going on in my mind. Oh, and that Covid thing as well.

In reality the transition has gone incredibly well. I got a spot in MIQ in November when I wanted it. I had a lovely six weeks with my family before moving to Hawke’s Bay. I now get to see them regularly. I’ve boarded with a surrogate Auntie until finding a house of my own. I’ve reconnected with old friends and made some new ones. My UK clients continue to want me involved and new clients are emerging in NZ. Somehow I am on track for my best year to date work-wise. It really couldn’t have gone better.

I coach this stuff… how to navigate change and uncertainty. How to commit to your purpose. How to stay grounded in reality rather than get lost in stories about the past or future.

So many times I have been lost in stories about the past and future this year.

It’s not easy, is it.

I have worked really hard at making things happen. Funny thing is when I've stopped going at it so hard, the real magic has happened.

I have a go-to list that helps remind me how to get back to me (and now) when fear and anxiety want to overwhelm. If you can take something from it, please do.

The only place life exists is now. The rest is a story [#1].

It's a story based on unreliable memories, and memories of plans for the future.

Some of the memories are pleasant and helpful. Some f%&k you up.

The ones that f%&k you up need to be put where they belong - in the past.

Sometimes you need some help with that.

Mindfulness and meditation help you remain more present [now].

There is growing evidence that practicing them significantly improves mental wellbeing.

So, practice them.

Some of my friends are dead. They died with ages between 21 and 59. There are no rules. We will all die.

Death reminds you to live. Refer to #1.

The future is unknown, it will always remain that way.

Make a plan based on acceptance.

In the act of acceptance, you free ourselves to form a relationship with your new circumstances. A new way of being with now. Refer to #1

The truth will set you free. Tell yourself the truth about your current reality.

In the words of Lily Tomlin; ‘Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.’ Make friends with now - back to #1.

Do something towards your future plan everyday (the one based on your accepted reality). Action beats fear.

It is difficult to be consumed by anxiety when you are busy taking action.

Life is not a competition. If it was, and you played that out across the inevitable collapse of the universe, (or even just a lifetime), what would winning be? How would it matter?

Success is perhaps better measured by how much you smile and laugh. Or the moments of genuine peace you are able to occupy temporarily. 

Nobody has a reliable answer to what success actually is. It's a human invention. It's an invention of language (another story).

Most of the great philosophers say the same thing about meaning. Life has no meaning other than the meaning you give it. Find what you care about (genuinely, and no matter how ridiculous) and do that. It is a trap to let others, or society convince you about what meaning is.

Research would suggest that putting others first is a good place to start.

And then, be yourself. Your best self. No matter what that means.

Struggling and suffering is very much part of life. And not one that school (or potentially your upbringing), prepared you for.

Struggling and suffering in life is another reality to accept, and perhaps even embrace. 

Interestingly, the easier life has got in wealthy societies, the greater the prevalence of mental health issues.

Get bigger problems. Ones that matter to you.

Comparing yourself to others makes you vain or bitter. It's harmful, relative, and based on partial intelligence. (You really don’t know the realities of other people’s internal battles).

When others judge you, they are attempting to make sense of their own worlds. When they do so, they tell you more about the contents of their head and insecurities, than they do anything that is true about you. This is called projection.

This comparison instinct is based on social threats and rewards. 'SCARF' : Status; Certainty; Autonomy; Relationship (Belonging); Fairness.’ (Thanks Daniel Rock for the model - Google it... it's really helpful)

If you can listen to, and observe others through the understanding of projection, you remind yourself it’s not about you - it’s about them. Stick with clearing up your own distorted thinking - it’s enough to keep you busy.

Note to self:

• You have arrived at the above because you are insecure and vulnerable like everyone else. 
• Stick with the truth on that.
• Also stick with the fact that remaining present is a practice. 
• Practices are called practices because you have to practice them. 
• Always and forever. But mostly now.

The only place life exists is now. The rest is a story.