Neurodiversity 101:Trust at work: how it forms, how it fails, and why neurodivergent people experience it differently

By Prof Amanda Kirby

I have been thinking a lot about how we come to trust some people and share inner thoughts with them and what happens when/if trust is blown.

How do I know who to trust and what are the signs to avoid someone?

Are there times when our 'trust radar' is off ( e.g. under work pressure, home pressures; illness or death of someone close to you) and we can duped into believing someone is trustworthy?

When has that happened to you?

• Stephen Covey said “Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
• Warren Buffett compared trust to air, unnoticed when present but acutely felt in its absence.
• Confucius said that "if the people have no faith in their rulers, then the state cannot exist".

What is trust?

The word "trust" comes from Middle English, primarily borrowed from Old Norse traust (meaning "help, support, confidence"), and related to concepts of truth and steadfastness, and connected to German Trost (comfort) and Old English treowe (true, faithful). Its core meaning signifies reliance, security, and faithfulness, describing something firm, reliable, or steadfast.

Why does trust matter at work ?

Trust is the invisible infrastructure of professional relationships. It shapes whether we ask questions ( or feel we can) and the type of questions we ask; how we disclose our needs; how we accept feedback both positively and negatively, or even if we feel we can take risks.

Without trust, our performance can become cautious,our efforts becomes defensive, and we can quietly disengage.

What trust actually is

In workplaces, trust is not about liking someone. It is a judgement made under uncertainty: Is this person likely to be consistent, competent, and fair toward me in this context? Because certainty is rare, trust is always provisional. It is made of up many tentative steps testing out someone to know if they are trustworthy or not.

How is trust is built in professional settings?

Most people rely on:

• Consistency – do actions match words over time?
• Competence – does this person follow through?
• Intent – are decisions transparent and proportionate?
• Power awareness – is authority used responsibly?
• Other's views... what do you hear said about the person ( and if this is actually consistent in what you see)

These signals matter more than charisma, confidence, or seniority.We trust some people and not others because we are constantly (often unconsciously) assessing safety under uncertainty.

We ask: Is this person predictable, fair, and unlikely to harm me in this context?

What allows us to feel someone is “ok” to trust

1. Consistency over time When words, actions, and decisions line up repeatedly, our brain relaxes. Predictability is a stronger signal than warmth.
2. Behaviour under pressure How someone acts when things go wrong matters more than how they act when things are easy. Repair builds trust.
3. Boundaries respected People who respect limits—time, role, consent, confidentiality—signal safety.
4. Transparency about intent and power Trust increases when motives are clear and authority is explained, not hidden.
5. Pattern fit with past experience We compare current behaviour with stored patterns from earlier relationships—for better or worse.

Why this can be harder for neurodivergent people

Some neurodivergent individuals may rely less on social intuition and more on explicit signals, may take statements literally, or may weight early cues strongly. This can lead to both over-trust and over-caution. Neither is a flaw but it reflects different evidence-processing that may result in trust given and then trust lost in some circumstances.

Being unsure who to trust often means you need more structure, clarity, and time—not better instincts.Looking from a neurodivergent perspective

Do neurodivergent professionals assess trust differently?

• Past experiences where you have trusted someone and they have let you down change whether you trust people or not.
• Over confidence in what trust looks like may have resulted in greater vulnerability.
• Literal communication can mean taking commitments at face value.
• Pattern-spotting may lead to rapid trust (or rapid withdrawal) based on early experiences.
• Past experiences of being dismissed or misunderstood can heighten sensitivity to small breaches.
• Reduced reliance on “gut feel” means greater dependence on explicit behaviour and clarity.

I am NOT saying ND people have a poorer judgement. It is our judgements that for some of us may be based on reviewing data differently, having had or currently having different experiences, and then having different interpretations of what is happening because of this.

What breaks trust at work

Trust is damaged less by single mistakes and more by:

• Promises quietly dropped
• Inconsistent application of rules - this can be confusing but also a reality in a changing work environment - what was promised may no longer be able to be done for a variety of meetings.. the person may not be untrustworthy.
• Saying “support is available” without follow-through - we see this in some labelling of neuroinclusion' - awareness and flagging skills without acting on them. Again there may be a number of pressures on the person/ the manager/ the organisation that the individual is not aware of.
• Power used without explanation- this can be confusing too.

For neurodivergent staff, repeated micro-failures often outweigh one major incident.

Why does trust sometimes goes wrong?

"Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters." - Albert Einstein

We misjudge trust when:

• Confidence is mistaken for competence - we have all met people who ooze confidence and we love their charisma and charm and we mistake this as someone trustworthy too.
• Titles override evidence
• Pressure rewards speed over reflection
• Inclusion language is not matched by action

What is a useful reframe?

Trust is not about judging character. It is about monitoring patterns and allowing yourself to update your judgement as new data appears.

Communication is always core to good engagement. Checking what you think is what is being said or indicated in different ways.

What could be a healthier model of trust?

Trust is not about being naïve or guarded. It is about noticing patterns, checking assumptions, and knowing that revising your judgement is part of professional strength.

"The people when rightly and fully trusted will return the trust." - Abraham Lincoln. 

• Gradual – built through small, kept commitments
• Explicit – expectations stated, not implied
• Reviewable – trust can be adjusted without blame
• Shared – responsibility sits with systems, not individuals

5 things to do if we are not very good at knowing who to trust

• Slow your decision: Trust does not have to be immediate. Build it in small steps and notice patterns over time rather than single interactions.
• Track behaviour, not words: Write down what people do, not what they promise. Consistency over time is more reliable than confidence or reassurance.
• Make expectations explicit: Say things like: “Let’s be clear about what we’ve agreed and when.” Clear contracts reduce reliance on social intuition. It avoids confusion and ambiguity too.
• Borrow perspective: Check your interpretation with a neutral third party. Others can often see power dynamics or red flags more clearly.
• Give yourself permission to revise trust: Trust is not a moral judgement. You are allowed to change your view when new information appears—without guilt or self-blame.

Blog Author

I am Amanda Kirby, CEO of Do-IT Solutions a tech-for-good company that delivers consultancy and guidance, consultancy, training and web-based screening tools that have helped 10s of 1000s of people. Contact us and we can discuss how we can help.

We strive to deliver person-centered solutions relating to neurodiversity and wellbeing.I am a mixed bag of experiences and skills and have 25+ years of working in the field of neurodiversity.

I am a medical doctor and was a practicing GP, I am a Professor, and have a Ph.D. in the field of neurodiversity; most important of all I am a parent and grandparent to neurodivergent wonderful kids and am neurodivergent myself.

(*Thoughts and ideas are all my own)